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The Spark of Love: Prioritizing Sexual Chemistry in Modern Dating

the spark is an unpredictable wonder


Thoughts on my journey dating, and the flaw in prioritizing sexual chemistry in modern dating. This is also about the nature, connection and difference between the spiritual “divine spark” in ancient philosophy and the “spark of chemistry,” and both their relationship to the contemporary prevailing idea of love based in a dull physicalism.

In These Seven Kinds of Love, I argued against our present-day belief in love as merely chemical reactions in the brain. Said in that realist sense — a somber viewpoint in line with the general prevailing physicalism. In my view, there is this great principle of life that is more than at the root of all life and being life itself; so in this case, love has many aspects. In my personal philosophy, I do not devalue our sensual nature, to feel and sense the world. In fact I embrace it in an unusual way. This is not just about the act of physical sex.

We have managed to even make the terrible beauty of life’s great and active chemistry dull as a faded brick wall. I also wrote, that Love in ancient Greek mythology is a primordial god at the basis of life, and the fiery passional aspect, which is sexual is not a permanent flame. It is a flame, that burns out quick; and in the case of love, it certainly does for many without the other sustaining kinds of love.

The true “spark” deep within us is sacred or divine — the most atomic; and we are made of the same life as the stars. That is not a belief, but a fact of chemistry. It is far beyond the sexual, which is like a mimicry of a very small degree of the ecstasy brought about from, e.g., spiritual mania. We have managed you see, to make all this wonder and nature’s magic insignificant through our dull familiarity with a limited portion of existence we see with our eyes and feel with the simple senses. There is sight and senses beyond these.

The “divine spark” between two people I believe is not reachable, but it is our ability to reach it to just varying degrees together, that enables us to discover so many ways to love. The “spark” people speak of, that they rely upon to feel on their dates immediately is based in anxiety. These are called “spark chasers.” Nearly, every woman I’ve met that are this, describe prior toxic relationships they’ve had, or unfaithful men. If this is your approach, that is bound to happen. There’s need for communication, boundaries, and standards. With all the flimsy, inconsistent communication and ghosting, that is made more difficult.

I’ve only felt this “spark” that touched my soul very deeply with someone once in my life so far, and I’ve hoped to find it again ever since, but sadly have not. That spark though was not immediate, but all built up from all the playfulness and intellectual stimulation to the kiss, to all the time spent together. Despite enduring certain spiritual, unusual experiences in the past, this bond with someone else, a warm human-being and friend I say was far more intense, perplexing, mentally growth-inducing and intriguing.

Now, can you imagine one’s self-actualization (not theoretically), or at least a state of inner peace, though shared between two persons in a romantic bond? It’s so powerful. Certainly at this age, simplicity and a gradually deepening sense of solace between me and the other is much preferred over drama-filled, or power couple relationships.

The “spark” some people expect to feel so immediately could go out quickly, as it does — supposedly between a few hours to 6-8 months. When I was young, I thought it should be like that, but this is life, not Disney, and I’ve learned plenty by this point. I think more people would know this but feel and see that so many between the younger millennials to gen Z do not know this. Having already had such a thing before and losing it, my approach in how I prioritize what I’m looking for in someone is not reliant on if I immediately, magically feel this spark on a first date, or within moments of meeting them. My experiences have majority been platonic, passionate flings and seduction, but hardly any intellectual or mental stimulation or commonality. I need these. Where is someone actually interested in me and how I think and want to explore great topics with me? Who wants to cook, talk art, sex openly and maturely, philosophy and all this with me? I shrug as why is it so difficult? The ones that would be a match in that area, that should match don’t even match. It is also, and people do not believe me, unlucky situations. There are always other factors not in our control.

There are so many attractive women surrounding. There are so many beautiful eyes and smiles. Being attracted to someone is not that difficult here. We’re both attractive right, okay — so what else is there? Colleagues were sure I picked the “wrong women.” No. Many of these women are super-sweet types you wouldn’t expect to be flaky, but very good at simulating the “girlfriend experience.” Then again, you can’t underestimate anybody. So, those I meet do not seem to want to find anything else out beyond these surface-level facts, and it bores me. It does not enthuse me to then show this person the many sides of me. It’s a waste of energy. This time period is still based on tik tok shorts, and it has even molded people’s behaviors and thinking.

I want to catch time and create moments. I am artistic and creative and need to paint this canvas. Yet, I am left with moments brief for time-constraints, fragmented and lost in selfies and camera shots, that used to feel more timeless and promising tech in my childhood days. Now, I need Instagram as a stamp of approval and proof of normality?!

Like the nature of spiritual experiences itself, the elusive “spark” is very unpredictable. With a person, it requires shared memories, which means time and patience to cultivate. I need time with you. These are qualities and things modern dating for the most part isn’t built on, especially in our period, where everyone fills every hour of their day with things to do, describing our lives continuously as “busy.”

People thirty-five and forty still “super-busy” out here breaking our backs on these double shifts in these workplaces in American society to survive on these living wages. The “spark” of sexual attraction cannot be entirely relied upon as an initial reason to continue to pursue someone. As said, we both need a little more time, and I can’t get that. Imagine the difficulties for demisexuals, and I’m nearly on that spectrum.

The spark is for each of us to discover, and only in degrees with another can it be sensed through the combination (not necessarily successive order) of (1) the sensual, (2) the sexual and (3) the ever-deepening pressure of love strengthened through action and creating fond memories together. If you really knew of this spark in its true formless nature, you would feel in love with the whole ground of being and find it in the most hidden of places and persons. So, while others are blindly looking for only tall, washboard-abed boys and busty babes with absolutely no interesting quality outside of their ability to get you into the next great festival, you’d more likely have a much better eye for that special person you say you want and need the next time. Your mental state would be also balanced more, and you would be weary of toxicity.

Now, frustrations I have with dating is my inability to even start anything beyond a first date. There’s the date, then possibility of sex. Even the ones that say they don’t want that on the first date do expect it. In my experiences, I am expected to be that guy. I don’t do casual, because I have rules. I don’t, because it literally bores me. It’s not how my mind works. For me to enjoy that with any woman, they’d have to have already opened me up beyond the first date and clicked with me in the other things.

So, usually there’s no chance to pair bond, or to learn and develop any skill, or knowledge about anything or any woman, because everyone has too many options, and modern dating is an even bigger capitalist “marketplace.” Everyone’s disposable and going in a continuous loop until we get lucky and learn how to date and it becomes a game. The culture we’ve created, among other factors and pressures pushes us toward these methods. I do not like the culture, at all.

It is how we think now, even those who don’t want to, and hate modern dating soon engage in the behaviors they mock and hate. It is the same cycle of soulless interactive motions of the external body.

Dating has been like merely having a girlfriend for a day, or a few hours kind of experience; and then you’re back in it, having to conjure up more courage and enthusiasm for someone else. I don’t think I can even constitute it as dating. These are one-and-done dates, even if you had that woman laughing her lungs out and you had a magical time. You can take her on a plane to France tonight and wake up in Italy in the afternoon as certain rich guys can and do, and still it is likely to be a one-and-done date. Music even instructs men to do these things and give everything to women for a tiny amount of affection they receive for doing and being absolutely nothing, but an appealing physical body. Everything is about how much possible experiences can we have.

When I was young, I always imagined things would be easier for me at this age into my early thirties, because people would be more mature, but I was not thinking of the changing world. What is the actual difference between these brief “girlfriend experiences” (such services already exist in parts of the world like Japan) and a future AI operating system? The difficulties and complications of modern dating are far too propounded, and no one seems even remotely interested in changing it. Do we want Blade Runner to be an inevitable future? Modern dating is a monstrous machine like the future Metropolis, where the people go in and out of their monotonous shift. It is simple to predict its trajectory.

We cannot just keep sleeping, pleasure-seeking into our forties, pretending we like this culture, and “adapting to the times.” I believe we are going to have to rebel and move into a new era of how we should think about dating and relationships, conscious of that future trajectory of consequences, and the spiraling failures of our generational approaches in this one.

So, my concluding thoughts about modern dating being more about prioritizing sexual chemistry first or feeling this immediate “spark.” It is only because we had sex sooner than later, that we’re not just friends, but we’re walking down the street now holding hands and floating on clouds…it honestly seems infantile, and there’s something very reminiscent of the puberty-stage about this approach.

Like our fast food, we want everything all at once. Why? It must be earth-shattering at first sight, but enough time isn’t given to see that through, and there’s not enough time in this fast-paced society, or so we say. That need is based and reliant on the early stages of romance, a sampling that leads most predictably in the direction of very short-term dating and in the saddest cases, future divorces seen a mile away. However, what many people describe they want to me are long-term companions, but they’re not prioritizing, or approaching dating this way.

There’s not sufficient time to build the “genuine connection” or bond they write about in their bios, which I’d prefer. The tradition of multiple dates with a single person seems out, if getting the first date scheduled wasn’t already mission impossible or pulling a rabbit out the hat.

So many people are too busy. So many are too stressed, financially and mentally. So many are in student debt. There’s all this underlying hostile, or very untrusting tension between men and women in Western society. So many people have a million things filling every moment of their calendar to fit you in. Everyone’s being awesome or trying to convince each other that we’re all awesome and don’t sit at the house doing nothing, and so, apparently too awesome to be awesome together.   

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